ranta n ravin'

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Location: Sudbury, Ontario, Canada

Blonde haired, blue eyed Finn,5'11", 160lbs

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Painting Tips - Day Two

Well I got up today thinking all would be better viewing things through clear eyes. Well, one clear eye anyway.
I took me a while to duct tape the remainder of my glasses together. Not a bad job I might say. The silver goes rather well with my ring and chain.

After a very few hours of sleep I started the coffee and jumped into a much-needed shower. Still a tad groggy from lack of sleep, paint fumes and beer (after all it was only the crack of noon!) I stepped into the still water filled paint tray that I had put in the tub to wash.
I slipped cracked my tailbone one the edge of the bathtub and fell into a stream of ice cold water. (It takes a while for the hot water to get up to the third floor)
Now fully awake, I realised that when they say, "latex paint will wash off with soap and water," they mean immediately after use! The bottom of my tub is now (mostly) the colour of the aforementioned Clearasil. (Except for a couple of footprints which have been transferred to my bathmat.)
As I said I was a little groggy and desperately needed some coffee. I went to the kitchen only to find that I had neglected to put the pot under the filter. I couldn’t care. I managed to put on another pot as I licked up what was all over the countertop.
Finally, with coffee in hand I walked into the living room to admire my "artwork".
I turned my head just in time to avoid the carpet as I vomited the cold can of beans that I had eaten five hours previously. Mike (my ever so understanding, compassionate and helpful neighbour) was right. The colour was literally nauseating.
Undaunted, I said to Marcel (Whoever he is. Probably a friend of this Mexican relative of mine, Jesus. I’ve never met him either but he signs all my birthday cards saying, "he loves me too." But that is another story.) you have a job to do - well okay redo.
I mixed the remainder of the "Cottonwood" and "Terra Cotta" sans the "J.D. Green Super High Gloss Enamel" and went to work. Starting at the baseboards of course.
A few hours later and thinking, "hell THIS colour ain’t bad" I needed to get up higher. I knew better this time than to use my desk chair so I grabbed a kitchen chair.
For some reason this chair seemed a bit wobbly. Then it dawned on me that, "oh yeah I purchased these wonderful wooden things from that exclusive "import" store Zellers four years ago. I also recalled that I had assembled them in the dark on my balcony after another LaBatt’s Blue inspired evening.
Unfortunately I realised this a tad too late as the chair crumbled beneath me. With one arm already in a sling and the other still feeling like rubber from my first masterpiece, there was little strength to stop the FULL paint tray landing on the carpet. Yes the same carpet that I had so adroitly avoided from the egested beans.
Ah, but luck is a funny thing! It turned out that the beans and my paint were the same colour.
Marcel, you’re brilliant! Because I was rapidly running out paint, I threw the beans (yes they were still on the floor) in with what was left of my supply. Hell those decorating bitches are always talking about "textured" walls.
Just as I was in the midst of cleaning up one of many messes my neighbours came a knocking.
"Hi Rob says Mike. I just brought Karyn up to show her your new paint job." (More like, Karyn you won’t believe what that dumb Finlander has done now!)
Karyn, totally out of character was speechless. She pulled one of those – cover all your teeth with as much lip as you can muster looks. Well she couldn’t hold it for long and began to give some unsolicited decorating advice. What was this? "Straight Eye on They Gay Guy"?
Ushering the two of them out the door, I tossed Karyn’s opinions into the pile along with Martha’s Lynette’s and Debbie’s.
Having had enough for yet another day, I "stuck" the remainder of my pictures and paintings onto the still wet and possibly edible walls. (They tend to fall off less easily anyway.)
It was time to make dinner. Opening up one of the crispers, lo and behold two ice-cold beers. Hmm? Inspiration or relaxation?
I’ll let you know.
P.S.
Do not paint your old wooden toilet seat with High Gloss John Deere Green before you go to bed with the presumption that it will be dry by morning!

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